ORIGINALLY POSTED IN 2012 ON focusonsimple.co

I’m an emotional person – as in, I feel emotions strongly, exquisitely. It sometimes take a lot of effort to refrain from have my life be completely ruled by what I’m feeling. High school was particularly difficult for me – there were really great moments, but it definitely felt like one long stretch of…well, depression. + for me, depression is being overwhelmed with emotion. Usually it’s dark + heavy. When I’m filled up with love + thankfulness, it’s…incandescent – light + loveliness.

These days, I don’t get weighed down in the same way. Every few months or so I’ll experience a bout of what can only be described as a dark mental abyss which slowly overtakes every happy memory + replaces them with those that reinforce thoughts + voices which tell me I’m worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, failing, that nothing good can come from existing. I’ve never wanted to die. But I have wanted the emotional pain + abuse to stop, to vanish into nothingness. When I was in high school – it was intense, + I would take a large number of pain killers to help dull out the mental noise.

My parents love me, but they thought I just wasn’t able to deal with the success of my sister. Yeah, that pretty much sums up what they thought about it after I went to talk to a councilor + he asked they come for a session. I didn’t go after that, + have just learned to deal with it by myself. which is stupid.

For whatever reason, many of my friends deal with depression. Suffer from it. Have it. Live with it. Some worse than others. It’s a theme, if you can call it that, which keeps cropping up. One of my professors in school commit suicide. He was amazing. Yesterday, for whatever reason, I was thinking about some old family friends of my parents. We used to play with their kids when we were little. So I decided to look them up. The first bit of information that I found made reference to their son – a tribute page to him. Because he died two years ago. + for whatever reason I knew what had happened before actually reading more. Because the last time our family visited theirs…+ this was around 20 years ago…he had this sense of a deep sadness in him. So it got me thinking…about the stigma of depression.

I recently read a post by Jenny Lawson, ie., The Bloggess – she is amazingly hilarious.  I’ve removed her photos…because they’re hers. But you can see the full post on her site. This is what she had to say…

It comes around…and around

May 30, 2012 – in more than meets the eye

It was the second day at Disney World when I realized it.  Hailey was laughing her seven-year-old ass off as Victor spun us on the tea cups until we finally cried whiplash.  The weather was gloomy and occasionally hurricaney (that’s a word.  Stop judging me) but we were at Disney World and so everything was magical.  Except in my head.  I enjoyed myself and I’m so glad we did it, but the second day I realized that my peripheral vision was fading and that’s always a sign that a bout of depression is looming down toward me.

I was fine the first day.  I was tired the next.  The third day I wanted nothing other than to stay in bed, but instead I faked it.  I still enjoyed seeing Hailey so happy.  I still appreciated being able to spend real time with my family.  I still functioned.  I’m still functioning.

Maybe this time I’ll be able to fool myself into staving off a severe bout.  Maybe it was just a fluke and it will all pass quickly.  Maybe I just postponed the inevitable depression that will hit me any moment.  I don’t really know.

But what I do know is that I’m going to be okay.  I know that depression lies.  I know that I’ll be in this black hole again and again in my life.  I also know I’ll see daylight soon.  The spinning continues…in both good ways and bad.

I realize how incongruous that picture is in a post about depression but it’s also pretty incongruous that some of the funniest people I know suffer from mental illness so all bets are off.

But there was one thing I wanted to share.  At one point the ride we’d been waiting on was closed because a terrible rainstorm broke out so we ran for cover and hid under the monorail for some shelter.  It was fairly miserable and all I could think about it how I wanted to be dry and in bed and how I felt bad for Hailey that she was stuck in a closed park with no access to rides and that’s when I noticed that she was having the most fun she’d had all day just jumping in the enormous puddles and catching rain in her mouth.  Rain that had dripped off the monorail and probably gave her cholera, but still…she was so damn furiously happy.  She took what came at her and made it into joy.

This isn’t a post about forcing yourself to just smile and “be happy” because anyone with true depression knows this isn’t an option.  Instead, it’s about the good things that can come out of the bad.  In the past 5 years I’ve received 20 emails that I keep in a very special folder.  They are all from people who were looking suicide right in the face.  They are all from people who are still here now.  Mothers and fathers and daughters and sons who are still alive because of this blog.  And not because of my posts.  They’re alive because they saw the incredibly response to my posts.  They saw thousands of other people saying “Me too.”  ”I thought it was just me.”  ”I thought I was alone.  But I’m not.”  And that – that sense of community – convinced them what their mind could not…that depression lies.  That you can find help.  That therapy and medication and support can change lives.  And I want to thank you for that.  I want to thank you from the family and friends of 20 people whose lives you saved.

And I want to thank you for reminding me every day that depression does lie.  I want to thank you for telling me that it’s okay when I have a week when I simply can’t be funny.  But mostly I want to thank you because there are 20 people out there today who wouldn’t be in this world if it weren’t for you.  There are 20 more of us.  And that’s a good thing.  So maybe there’s a reason why I have depression.  And maybe it’s to help someone else.  And maybe there’s a reason you do too.  And maybe you saved a life without even knowing it.  Thank you.

This post isn’t about depression.

It’s about laughing in spite of the rain.

It’s about laughing because of the rain.

When she states that depression lies, it struck a chord. because it’s true…I am not my depression, + depression isn’t me. It just shows up + messes with my heart + head…but then it leaves + I find that I do have some courage + strength + worth.

If you don’t suffer from or deal with depression, just accept that you can’t fix it. Just listen. Just be there when someone needs to talk.

After reading that our family friend had commit suicide I started thinking about it all…I don’t have any answers, or solutions…depression is taking lives which it has no business taking. What I want people who suffer from depression to know is I know it’s all consuming + so heavy. Suffocating. But that depression lies. I want you to stay. Your loved ones do too. You have value. You are loved. + you are not alone.