REFLECTIONS ON THE GIFTS OF RECOVERING FROM A CONCUSSION + OTHER INJURIES

So I’m recovering from a concussion. Yeah…

Aaro + I were wrestling, August 15th I believe, + he clocked me on the bridge of my nose/forehead with his heel. He was lying on his stomach, I was pretending to flop down on him, + he used the full force of his backward kick to protect himself. As if I would actually fall on him + crush his little self. *rolls eyes dramatically*

At first I just thought my nose was broken, because it hurt like hell + my nose felt…crunchy. But. No blood. No bruising. I looked friggin fine. Because of course I did. Nothing to see here. It wasn’t until later that evening that I knew something wasn’t quite right. Mid-way through pizza dinner watching a movie I loved I no longer felt like eating + felt, not only so incredibly tired I could have let my chin drop to my chest + fallen asleep, but also incredibly irritated, pissed off, rageful with my family, as well as tragically upset + unable to stop crying. It was a lot, + also not normal. Generally. The next day was worse. Too much noise. Lights were too bright. It hurt to look at my phone.

I was like, oh shit.

I’ve never had a concussion before + was a little scared, tbh. Rip a nail off trying to grab hold of my dog? Sure whatever. Talk to my midwife through full labour contractions? I don’t understand the big deal… My brain feeling + being damaged? I’m unsettled + terrified.

Thus began the remainder of my summer in a darkened room or wearing sunglasses all the time. Using Marc’s noise cancelling bluetooth headphones to block noise out or listen to the Lord of the Rings audiobook narrated by Robert Inglis from the late 90s. Journaling + jotting down notes, thoughts, ideas because, while my brain hurt, it sure wasn’t quiet [so many ideas, so many…].

And this is where life became magic. It wasn’t just that I was forced to rest + take it easy. It’s that I literally couldn’t do anything but focus on one thing at a time. No multi-tasking. No striving or doing. Use of screens limited to sending the occasional message, managing some necessary rental stuff, + internet searching concussion related information. For the most part, life became very analog. + I loved it. Loved it. It was such a throwback to pre-screen life – pens, paper, reading, board games. Really being present. There is richness, texture, depth to the experience of being alive when there isn’t a constant nagging desire calling your gaze back to a screen.

I had thought a summer off from work was a gift + lesson in being present + permission to focus on a single task or one experience at a time. This was a whole new level. It put into perspective how much we are so addicted…not just addicted…we’ve allowed our screens to be integrated into the fabric of our existence. We are becoming bionic. We are becoming AI. We are forgetting how to exist without being constantly, continuously connected. 

Now that my concussion symptoms seem to be alleviating – it’s taken a good solid 2 months + I’m still not wholly me. Even as I type this I can feel pincers at my temples letting me know that it’s enough. I forget things that I wouldn’t have typically forgotten before, or still don’t process information the way I did before. Physio, docs, the internet, other concussion sufferers say it’ll get better. It’s still disconcerting.

Example below…I literally had no memory of where or how that lid was placed on the counter. Fairies, or someone breaking in + leaving it behind, were the obvious answers.

That said, I have been feeling better enough that I find myself picking up my phone to browse around + be mindless for so much longer than I care to admit. It’s a disease. Putting our phones down, stepping away from screens, disconnecting; it’s an act of rebellion, resistance, a reclamation of our autonomy, identity, individuality. 

I was feeling compelled or pressured to get back to “normal” by nothing other than my internal thoughts of worthiness which are strongly tied to ‘doing’…+ then I twisted my ankle/foot. Three days ago. I could have sworn I broke it. But I did not. So I’m back on bedrest. It’s comical. It truly is. But, bedrest over the past few days, few months, has given me the time + space to write. To finally get a book self-published [Our Family Christmas, 5 year planner + journal…it’s getting linked up here as soon as it’s been approved by Amazon’s vetting team, you’re damn right it is, or the pdf is available right here 🙂 ]. + it’s a thrill to know this is just the beginning!!! I have more ideas coming in, there’s a tonne of stuff I’ve already done, + it’s a joy to bring creations to fruition in a way I haven’t quite experienced before. 

So. As much as I am struggling with feelings of productivity/responsibility/worthiness…this has been an absolute gift. I’m so grateful to have supportive family, a husband who keeps keeping on to make sure we’re stable, parents who live nearby who hop on emergency room duty whenever needed, neighbours who check in, + a boss who has been nothing but understanding. + this freaking view out of our room to the trees + woods behind our back yard.

Life can be hard, + messy, + challenging. But there are still so many ways + reasons to be grateful. + it is absolutely clear that life is so much better lived when it’s not through a screen.

And that’s it, that’s the post. Thank you for reading. Put your phone down, step away from the screen. Much love to you.