ORIGINALLY POSTED IN 2012 ON focusonsimple.co
I’m getting married in about four months.
+ I’m keeping my last name. I may hyphenate, but that depends on how willing M is to discuss it. The less willing he is to discuss, the less willing I feel to compromise + hyphenate.
The salient points are as follows:
- I’m not property +, from what I understand, women haven’t been property for quite some time
- It’s my name
Yup, I think that about sums it up.
Here’s an interesting article.
FOLLOW-UP LATER IN 2012
Without getting didactic up on my soapbox (I tend to get preachy + self-righteous as a sort of pre-emptive defense mechanicsm)…I know that whether women keep their last name or change to their future-husband’s can be a particularly touchy subject…I need to remember to stay on the side of rationality. Keep emotion as a quiet, influencing factor – not let it become a loud, over-bearing megaphone. Everyone is entitled to their own decision, reasoning…their own journey to what works for them. Having said that…I feel about as right as those who believed the world was round when everyone else was all “no way, the world is totes flat, you heretic.”
Anyways. I’ve done my readings + research as to what the general thoughts + feelings are out in the wider world internets. I’ve always felt this deep-seated objection to the expectation that I change my name. It feels like I’m about to lose part of my identity – that who I am + who my family is aren’t good enough for my intended + intended-to-be’s family – though in no way have they ever acted this way! It’s more that I’m responding to the expectation that I change my last name.
What I’ve taken away from what I’ve read + thought about is that the strength + success of our relationship does not hinge on us sharing the same last name. as far as I know there are no statistics that show that married couples with the same last name fair any better than those who don’t.
If it’s important to M, + to us, to appear by everyone else as a team – because we already know that we are one – his last name is not any better suited to be our team name than mine is. And vice versa. If a ‘team name’ is important, there is no default choice or decision.
I have a female friend who got married last year. Because she has three sisters, her husband has one brother, + the assumption + expectation that male’s carry familial lineage exists, he decided to take his wife’s name in order that her family name continue. He’s not any less masculine or male because of it. He offered to do it. It wasn’t something she asked of him. + their couple-hood isn’t any less valid, any less successful, any less strong because of it.
+ in terms of kids not being confused by a hyphenated last name…kids aren’t stupid. They can handle it. Also, kids grow up + spend the majority of their lives as adults. Please don’t tell me that a hyphenated last name is going to screw them up so badly that their whole life course + ability to succeed will be hindered more so than a family with one last name.
All this to say. I feel strongly about this. I don’t understand the need to placate…an expectation based on an archaic practice. If men associate their masculinity, + therefore their identity, to their last name, + the idea that women want to/should be able to keep their own last name is a threat to their concept of identity + masculinity, it should be pointed out that expecting women to change their last names is also an affront to their sense of identity. +, in fact, the traditional practice of women taking their partner’s name indicates that men’s identities are considered to be more important than women’s if it’s ok for women to give up their identity, but not for men.