We’re headed to Italy!
It’s exciting, I know. I literally cannot wait. This has been a dream of mine since I was in the single digits. Here’s a little insight on why we [I] finally made the decision that this trip needed to happen, after years, nay decades, of not doing a trip like this.
- My husband is the child of two Italian parents, my kids are half Italian, + I want to embrace the culture of that side of our family more.
- I took advantage of an investment [in a responsible way!] + we’ve been saving like crazy for quite a while – we don’t do debt in this house.
- My husband + I celebrated our 10th anniversary last year, my step-daughter hit a big life milestone graduating high school + moving to post-secondary. We have things to celebrate!
- Time is flying! + I don’t want to keep putting off dreamy things just cuz it seems too hard +/or indulgent to make happen.
First question : why do I feel the need to justify our trip? Shouldn’t it be enough that we want to take this trip, it will be an amazing experience, we can afford it, so let’s go?
Second question : where’s this feeling of agitation + unease coming from?
“Wow this is expensive, maybe we should put this money towards something more responsible; what if our plans fall through? What if we miss the plane? What if my sister’s family is overwhelmed with our dog? What if things are so expensive we blow our budget? What if…what if…what if…Have I thought through all the details? What food should we leave in the fridge for when we get back? Are the kids going to be ok travelling with their own luggage? Is the jet lag worth it? Should we be going for a shorter duration?”
I have observed that whenever I embark on making big dreamy things happen for myself or my family, I wrestle with many challenging emotions.
- Self-doubt
- Anxiety
- Imposter syndrome even?
- Obsessiveness over details + plans
- Unworthiness
- Irresponsibility
When I started planning I was well organised in a reasonable way. Now that the date is fast approaching, I’m finding myself getting anxious + beginning to over-organise + over-plan as I obsess over details as a way to control the situation.
Couple things.
It’s normal to experience anxiousness over new experiences, big experiences, being in a state of change or flux – travelling, in a nutshell. I know as soon as I sit down on the plane I’m going to go from choppy water through rapids to a steady flowing stream. The thing is, I know how to manage this type of anxiousness. Deep breathing. Focus on the big picture. Anchored belief that everything will work out + everything is figureoutable [thanks Marie Forleo!]. I’m a planner. We’ll be organised + prepared. It’ll be fine.
But also…this anxiousness speaks to a deeper struggle with worthiness. Of being able to accept the good things you’ve dreamed of actually happening. I think North Americans especially…maybe I’m wrong on that…we really struggle to accept good things in our lives. We’re super good at self-sabotage. It’s a ‘skill’ we need to lose, but quick.
It feels like a risk; a safety risk, a financial risk, an emotional risk; to go on this adventure. It feels safer + more responsible to just stay home, reinvest our dollars, + take a couple of weeks to visit my parents up north this summer. Lovely! But safe + familiar. We’re embarking on something different, something I’ve dreamed of doing, + it sometimes seems hard to just accept this opportunity as a gift.
As I process these thoughts + write it all out I can feel the anxiousness fall away. As I look forward knowing I’ll get to a time + place when I’m looking backwards…I’m mindful of the perspective I want to have. One of fun, + togetherness, + adventure, + being able to go with the flow. Knowing we’ll get on each other’s nerves, things won’t go smoothly the whole trip – nor should they, that’s not the point. The point is that we go together, take lots of photos, eat lots of food, + just enjoy being somewhere new + different. Just soak it all up. That’s the goal. The point is accepting this dreamy plan with a grateful heart.
When you’ve built something up soooooo much for soooooo long, what happens when you get to the other side of The Big Thing? It’s like planning a wedding. So much preparation + anticipation. So much build up. So many expectations. Then it comes. + it’s this mix of meeting, exceeding, + also falling super short of everything you’ve built it up to be. So when you get to the other side of The Big Thing, you kind of have a choice of how you get to view it in your rearview mirror. + really, that’s what stays with you.
It’s necessary to do the heart-driven thing. We’re worthy of big, beautiful experiences.
Our worth isn’t derived through whatever story we’ve been led to believe [in this case for me, what being responsible looks like].+ knowing that is a good perspective shaper on letting go of anxiousness + fear, + of taking on the deservingness of going on this adventure with my family, who I love very much.
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